dreaded incredibly exciting Presidential election season is upon us! With it comes the social media shaming sharing, where we troll our candidates’ opponents and destroy their character through primarily ad hominem attacks extol the virtues of our preferred candidates. This makes us feel as if we are morally and intellectually superior to our friends allows us all to make educated and informed comparisons between candidates. Because of this social media phenomenon, we realize that Facebook is the last place on earth to have a mutually respectful exchange of diverging or opposing ideas a wonderful place in which to engage in friendly debate. I’ll stop following all friends who act like elections are an episode of Jerry Springer be waiting with bated breath for this next round of enlightened, politically themed posts. Hooray, your candidate sucks healthy, rigorous dialogue makes us better citizens!
I hate know-it-alls. Really. By the way, I am a know-it-all. So are you. Ok. That’s settled. I hate know-it-all lists almost as much as I hate the know-it-alls who write them. In the spirit of being a douchie know-it-all, here’s my list of 10 things I don’t want other even more douchie know-it-alls to tell me in list form.
- Don’t tell me in list form all the beers I shouldn’t drink. Just for the record, I don’t drink beer as part of my fitness regimen, you self-righteous, uber-hipster. I drink it because I like it. As crazy as it seems, the human body is really good at regeneration, even when I down a couple of Guinnesses or Newcastles every now and again. Go roast your hops, barley boy.
- Don’t – DON’T – list for me all the things I am doing wrong. I can peel fruit, grill steak, raise my kids, watch movies, listen to music, use my iphone, or take a dump any way I damn well please. The world isn’t one, giant efficiency exam which I am eternally failing. Just because your ass is so tight that it could press coal into diamonds doesn’t mean I have to pucker up my sphincter just to feel good about myself. The only thing I am doing wrong is not ninja-kicking you in the throat right now.
- Don’t show me a list of incredible life hacks like toilet paper roll speakers for my smart phone or cleaning supplies made up of dog urine and apple cider vinegar. Where in God’s name to you get the time to think of these things? Don’t you know that when I see your life hacks posted in my Facebook newsfeed, it’s alongside the posts of my other 1000+ friends, which means I will forget about your life hacks as fast as an ADHD dog at a squirrel convention. Oh, and by the way, I am not taking a cardboard tube, which begins and ends its useful vocation twelve inches from my toilet, and jabbing the mouth end of my iPhone directly into it so that I can hear music amplified without electricity through recycled cardboard that will land me in the ER with dysentery. Thanks but no thanks.
- Oh, and don’t list for me all the things/people/movies/blah blah blah I don’t know. You know what those lists should be called? “A List Of Shit I Know And You Don’t To Make You Feel As Stupid As Humanly Possible And Me Look Like An Effing Genius.” Just call them that.
- Relationship lists. Just don’t. Don’t tell me how to have better sex, better communication, better fights, better… Here’s what I know as a blogger. When I write about things, it’s because I am a screwup at the very thing I am writing about. You, Mr. Better Sex Life List Guy? You are writing from your parents’ basement, where you have lived for the past 20 years of your adult life. Your skin has lost all its need for pigmentation. Your eyes are made up of almost entirely dilated pupil, and you picked up your last date in your grandma’s Crown Victoria. Try talking to people in person.
- You know what else, I don’t care what liquor I am, what my superpower should be, or who I was in a past life. I already know that my superpower is screwing up my current life by drinking too much liquor, I don’t need to know what how bad my past twelve lives were. (This one’s not a list, but it’s still damn annoying.)
- At any time, however, you may extoll, in list form, the virtues of bacon.
There. I feel better.